Completing 100 days of DNRS (and nearly as many with Dispenza meditation) feels momentous and I know the hardest hurdles are behind me. I’m on a roll and thrilled with my progress and practice. Below is my progress page list.
Writing this update feels nearly hopeless in that mere words are so inadequate to convey what I’ve been experiencing. Also, since lots of my experience has been in meditation in a semi-conscious state, it’s very difficult to remember unless I write it down immediately after, which I rarely do.
I feel that miracles are happening for me, though it is still a messy process. I have had periods of new symptoms and some of my primary symptoms have not moved enough to notice clearly.
The hardest DNRS POP for me always seems to be analysis rumination, always tempted to begin with a WHY is this symptom presenting. It’s a fear process but as momentum builds in my practice, I think I’m starting to see glimmers of hope that one day, my faith will become complete and I won’t feel the compulsion to ruminate.
So what’s new?
- Two pleasant dreams in 3 days
- Retrieving new memories
- Five minute cold shower dance
- I’m squashing upsets
- Had a genuine laugh at a symptom
- Graciously letting small grievances pass without comment
- Increasing exercise without severe repercussions
- Headache/migraine free candida release
- A good nights sleep!
- Occasional improvements in near vision
- Trauma/grief release in meditations
- Slept straight through the night
- No longer cry as often during rounds and when I do, it has more of a joyful character
- Feeling trippy instead of depressed on Candida release days
- Feeling powerful sweet emotion during proclamation which done slowly can last 5 minutes +
- Joy and awakenings in meditations – heart opening
- Can say ‘I feel amazing’ and feel it
- Can bring on feelings of joy and transcendence at will in seconds
- Feeling blessed instead of cursed
- Experiencing nature profoundly, like never before
My Dispenza practiced has deepened tremendously and I try hard to do the Blessing of the Energy Centers II (BOTEC II) every day after which I lie down and continue the meditation listening to classical and trance music. I had an extraordinary awakening during one of these meditations which in turn has made my DNRS rounds far easier and sweeter.
What happened in my awakening? I’m tempted to skip this part because it’s likely to sound like gibberish. But, so be it. First I saw myself dissolve into ‘the field’ and understood in that moment that the quantum field is not ‘out there’ but in me and all around me, that I’m not separate from it. That I was one with everything and everyone. If you’re wondering what the quantum field is, read You Are the Placebo. You could also substitute the universe or God for it. I was sobbing at this point because of the beauty of this vision.
I understood that I was trying too hard, that all I needed to do was surrender to the field and let it flow in me and allow my body do what it wants to do, knows how to do, and was programmed to do before I was born.
A week or so earlier I had seen a healer (yes, Dr. Joe Dispenza opened my mind further than I ever imagined possible), an author and ordained minister of the Gnostic Order (now defunct) named Mark Earlix and he told me I was suffering from a ‘common primal logjam in the heart’, a block or denial of love or God, however you prefer to look at it.
He encouraged me to do some less structured meditation and that’s why I started extending my Dispenza meditations with music after. In case you are wondering, he spent a few minutes healing me and of course I cried a little as I thought about stepping through the doorway to good health.
I’ve always felt that I was right on this doorstep since I am transformed with just three nights of good sleep in a row. And I did feel myself stepping through it with Mark. I also had some strange new symptoms going on around my head at the time and they subsided over the next couple days after seeing Mark. The day after, I had fluid moving around in my ear (never happened before) on the left side where my migraines used to hit and then all my head symptoms disappeared. Now when I’m detoxing, I feel the progression down my head & face happening very quickly.
Back to my awakening – I lay down on my bed after the BOTEC II and let the music play. Some beautiful classical music played first (including Oblivion by Gidon Kremer and Hallelujah by Sheku) and my mind wandered back to the Mother’s Day chamber orchestra concert we attended recently in a church. In places like this I’m always keenly aware of all the cell phones around me and even though I have no obvious symptoms related to them, find it distasteful.
But I ignored that, closed my eyes and had a marvelous and supremely uplifting DNRS round that likely lasted more than an hour (with intermission in the middle) but just flew by. So I’m thinking about this surprising experience and it occurs to me that what I never considered before, is that sitting in the church, I was surrounded by 30 or more musicians who dedicated their lives to expressing their joy through music.
This act of performing the symphony is their way of connecting to the field and their audience. The hundred or more people in the audience were likely experiencing some level of shared joy with the musicians and together this cloud of joy may radiate far more powerfully, at least in a way that matters for DNRS and our health, than the cell phones.
Still lying down, my mind drifted back to the logjam conversation with Mark and I felt this block burst as I thought about my wife and daughters and felt their love for me in a new way and more powerfully than I ever had before. I saw that my wife’s love was a precious treasure that I had never really fully appreciated before.
After the classical music played out, Transcendence by Remko Arentz came on and at some point I saw a drum circle surrounding me performing a healing and I felt my body relaxing and welcoming a flow of light and healing energy.
I’m telling this story casually and logically, but it was deeply moving and I cried uncontrollably many times over an hour. I’m also simplifying because it’s very hard to piece together what happened and when.
Now after this experience, I started looking for a drum on Craigslist. There were two Djembe drums that looked interesting and I sent off emails. One of the owners replied to me and I noticed in the footer of her email that Danya is a somatic healer.
When I did not get a quick reply to my email, I called her. I got voicemail. She sings her voicemail message and she has a gorgeous voice. So I got curious and I went to her website and noticed she does ‘lullaby therapy’ which intrigued me. There is a song sample on her website (Heart is Wide Open) so I played it. And it stunned me.
So I downloaded her song and I set it up to play after BOTEC II meditation. Towards the end of my BOTEC II meditation, I was falling asleep thinking, “This isn’t going anywhere” but I kept on. I laid down afterwards as I do, letting the music play. Heart is Wide Open was first up and as I listened to it, I realized it described the awakening I had in the previous meditation.
Without understanding why, I cried as deeply as I ever have, convulsed and sobbed in waves. The beauty and power of the experience washing over me again and again. I sensed I was releasing trauma and grief, but it didn’t feel like mine and I had the feeling it belonged to my parents (probably mom) or maybe even my ancestors. Then as the intensity passed, I thought to myself, “Okay but what about my illness?” And the answer came ‘This is your illness. This was your illness.’
So that’s a lot of details, but I wanted you to see the synchronicity from my vision of a drum circle in a meditation to finding Danya’s music.
A few days have passed and I have repeated this meditation several times and my experience listening to this song is a little different every time, less intense but still deeply emotional. The most intense of these experiences are somewhat exhausting but I don’t fear them because the first trauma release that I experienced came and went about a month ago.
I felt lighter afterwards with the feeling that I was progressing somewhere that I was meant to go and I feel protected by my DNRS practice. As a result of that first trauma release, I talked to my Mom about what was going on in her life just before my birth and after, and it has shed a lot of light on my situation, which I’m grateful for.
Yesterday, I had a lullaby session with Danya and she sung Heart Wide Open to me while I lay on a massage table next to her. Again I cried and shook. According to her, my condition is explained by something called Attachment Theory and is a common result on the nervous system of Dr. Spock’s parenting methods, which I recall my parents telling me they used, and which I have some memory of. In her words, “You were ‘Spocked’.
She sang a number of other beautiful songs which moved me deeply and I had a sweet experience of empathy where I saw that getting ‘Spocked’ was not something that happened to me, but rather happened to us, the three of us, or four of us if you include my little brother (I treated him badly ).
When I saw Danya, I also picked up the drum, which I treasure as a reminder that when I’ve truly needed something in my life, it has always shown up! In this case – a vision brought me to a healer who’s voice has so much power over me, who feels like an expert in the root cause of my lifetime of difficulty, as if she were sent to me as a gift…
And actually, there’s a another synchronicity attached to this magic drum – as I was debating how to pay for Danya’s therapy session and the drum, I received an email from a young woodworker offering to buy the drill press I listed on craigslist months earlier. So he came over and picked up my drill press the day before my lullaby session which his cash paid for…
Ultimately, there is no better measure of my progress than my sleep quality and here’s where I stand:
NIGHTS OF GOOD SLEEP
April: 3 (STARTED 1 HOUR OF DNRS DAILY)
July: on track for a record
I’m sending huge love for Annie, Dr. Joe, Mark, Danya and all the other healers out there!!!
Since writing this post, I started a Power of 8 Healing Circle (topic for my next post) on Meetup.com and started corresponding with a woman who joined the group. I sent her a link to this post and she wrote back the following:
Wow, I just finished reading about your experiences with the DNRS healing journey AND was not only deeply moved BUT . . . I have been searching for a particular book & CD that MOVED me so deeply many many years ago and have regretted giving them away when I downsized. I recently went on YouTube and Amazon in search of this CD/book set but since I could not remember the title or author’s name I have been unable to find it/him…until I read your recovery/experience story. As I listened to Danya’s amazing song “heart wide open” I was moved by her voice and spirit so read about her; and as soon as she said who her father was, I KNEW, Robert Gass, was the name I had been searching my brain for the last several months trying to get another copy of the book/CD he wrote and produced that had affected me so deeply..talk about synchronicity!! Reading about your journey gave me a priceless gift; thank you, thank you from my hugely broken open heart, for sharing your story with me