Reining in my fears

[A]m I getting any better?

That’s the question that flits through my mind just about every day. I’m still sick and dysfunctional but I am investing a lot of time, money and energy into long protocols. As Freddd has commented, this is the game that we bet our lives on – so I don’t think it’s too unnatural to wonder and wonder, “Am I getting better?”

Every time I ask the question I have to go over all the evidence and I usually come back to yes. Based on my experience reading the entire ‘Hidden Story‘ thread on Phoenix Rising, I can tell that I’m not the only one with trouble in this department. Clearly, people who are very sick with a lot of symptoms don’t easily recognize healing for what it is.

I think it’s because you can take away a symptom or two, but if they aren’t the key symptoms that cause us the most suffering, we don’t feel well, so we have a hard time saying “yeah this is working for sure”. As an example, I love the story about the wife who was in the middle of a fast, full recovery, but didn’t think it was working — also interesting to note the methylation treatment was so hard, her husband is confident she would not have succeeded without his support.

So, here’s some of the evidence that I’m healing:

  1. no longer need to snack all day long – stomach and body doesn’t feel like it’s seizing up without constant food
  2. able to nap after taking vitamin C and cortisol
  3. able to nap after lunch without having trouble falling asleep in the evening
  4. insomnia caused by omega-3 oil greatly diminished or disappeared (still titrating up the fish oil)
  5. exercise tolerance increasing
  6. body temperature increased several degrees and is now normal
  7. slightly less edema
  8. dreaming again
  9. waking up more easily, a little more refreshed
  10. occasional feelings of well-being
  11. calmer, less worried
  12. feeling physically stronger

Something wonderful happened last night, too, that made me want to write about this. Yesterday morning, my mind was looping about this question as usual. Perhaps because I was planning to attend an event in the evening and I might’ve been wondering if I wasn’t pushing my luck. I went out after dinner and was physically overwhelmed as I always am in any social situation and especially in the evening.

I had increased my folate, mb12 and vitamin C yesterday, and the combination was hard. Normally, I don’t go out in the evenings, because I don’t have the energy to do it. that said, if I have to, I can always dig deep (pumping adrenaline) and do it, but the consequences are very unpleasant. When I push through something like that, I have difficulty sleeping because of the adrenaline and I end up needing a few days to recover.

Last night, at the event, my brain was totally scrambled and I was nearly incapacitated by lack of energy (they were serving pizza which I don’t eat). I was sure I had kicked up a blast of adrenaline but I just fell asleep easily at bedtime. I still found myself with an empty tank, but consider it a great a great improvement. Having slept easily and well, the cost was minimal. That is so strange for me I can’t even think of another time like it.

Maybe it has something to do with the niacin I’m taking which seems to play some role with the adrenal glands as evidenced here: “Accordingly, they decided to use high doses of niacin, another natural methyl acceptor, to reduce the conversion rate of noradrenaline to adrenaline and then to adrenochrome.”

Now, when I look at my 12 signs of healing above, I’m tempted to nitpick each one. For example, number one – I’m not snacking as much because of the exercise. Number two – I’m napping after lunch because I’m forced to, my brain just shuts down etc etc. But, why should I do this? It took me 40 years to get this ill, so why should I expect to heal overnight?

I suppose the worry is that I’ve got lots of unconnected improvements that don’t add up to something much bigger, which is a 100% recovery. And, deep down maybe it’s all about fear, fear of dying too young, without having realized a bunch of dreams and some mission or other…




2 thoughts to “Reining in my fears”

  1. Thanks for sharing this post, Eric.  I am very guilty of focusing on how much further I have to go, rather than counting how many steps I’ve already come.  I think it human nature, but I like how you actually listed out your progresses.  I just might have to follow your lead and do the same on an upcoming blog entry.  I like to wallow in the frustration of how sick I still am, feeling like I’m still a million miles and symptoms from being healthy, but I really don’t have to dig too deep, if I’m being fully honest, to realize the steps forward I’ve already made.  The biggest, and most recent, has been the clarity in my head that I’ve experience since coming through the stall phase.  My vision, my thought, and even the loss of density/pressure inside of my head, has all improved, in what seemed like a snap coming out of the stall.  Like you said though, we get most anxious over what we most want to disappear or lighten up, and for me, that is clearly my MCS.  I just want a bit of relief and freedom with that major, suffocating symptom, so I’m not as appreciative as I could be with the much smaller other things I may be experiencing…

    I also appreciated how you mentioned the stress you feel with going out in the evenings, or social engagements in general.  This has been a hard one for me to accept, and I stress about it daily.  Chelation has definitely greatly exacerbated my social anxiety symptoms to a very uncomfortable level.  I’m trying to keep up with friendships when I get my random good days, because I’m tired of always stressing about feeling too miserable to get together with people.  I can completely relate to what you said about then getting revved up and not being able to sleep.  For me, too, this is further fueled by whatever chemicals are involved in the get-together:  perfume, room scents, someone’s deodorant, pollen, passing cars/exhaust, etc.  Knowing everything involved and how I’m going to feel always overwhelms me.  I’m not good with all the mercury emotions, but I’ve been trying to realize on these random better days, that I’m still okay and still human, that my anxieties and emotions aren’t always berserk. 

    1. I’m glad this struck a chord with you Tara and I’m glad to hear that your mental clarity is improving! Would love to see your improvements list:)

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