[A]m I getting any better?
That’s the question that flits through my mind just about every day. I’m still sick and dysfunctional but I am investing a lot of time, money and energy into long protocols. As Freddd has commented, this is the game that we bet our lives on – so I don’t think it’s too unnatural to wonder and wonder, “Am I getting better?”
Every time I ask the question I have to go over all the evidence and I usually come back to yes. Based on my experience reading the entire ‘Hidden Story‘ thread on Phoenix Rising, I can tell that I’m not the only one with trouble in this department. Clearly, people who are very sick with a lot of symptoms don’t easily recognize healing for what it is.
I think it’s because you can take away a symptom or two, but if they aren’t the key symptoms that cause us the most suffering, we don’t feel well, so we have a hard time saying “yeah this is working for sure”. As an example, I love the story about the wife who was in the middle of a fast, full recovery, but didn’t think it was working — also interesting to note the methylation treatment was so hard, her husband is confident she would not have succeeded without his support.
So, here’s some of the evidence that I’m healing:
- no longer need to snack all day long – stomach and body doesn’t feel like it’s seizing up without constant food
- able to nap after taking vitamin C and cortisol
- able to nap after lunch without having trouble falling asleep in the evening
- insomnia caused by omega-3 oil greatly diminished or disappeared (still titrating up the fish oil)
- exercise tolerance increasing
- body temperature increased several degrees and is now normal
- slightly less edema
- dreaming again
- waking up more easily, a little more refreshed
- occasional feelings of well-being
- calmer, less worried
- feeling physically stronger
Something wonderful happened last night, too, that made me want to write about this. Yesterday morning, my mind was looping about this question as usual. Perhaps because I was planning to attend an event in the evening and I might’ve been wondering if I wasn’t pushing my luck. I went out after dinner and was physically overwhelmed as I always am in any social situation and especially in the evening.
I had increased my folate, mb12 and vitamin C yesterday, and the combination was hard. Normally, I don’t go out in the evenings, because I don’t have the energy to do it. that said, if I have to, I can always dig deep (pumping adrenaline) and do it, but the consequences are very unpleasant. When I push through something like that, I have difficulty sleeping because of the adrenaline and I end up needing a few days to recover.
Last night, at the event, my brain was totally scrambled and I was nearly incapacitated by lack of energy (they were serving pizza which I don’t eat). I was sure I had kicked up a blast of adrenaline but I just fell asleep easily at bedtime. I still found myself with an empty tank, but consider it a great a great improvement. Having slept easily and well, the cost was minimal. That is so strange for me I can’t even think of another time like it.
Maybe it has something to do with the niacin I’m taking which seems to play some role with the adrenal glands as evidenced here: “Accordingly, they decided to use high doses of niacin, another natural methyl acceptor, to reduce the conversion rate of noradrenaline to adrenaline and then to adrenochrome.”
Now, when I look at my 12 signs of healing above, I’m tempted to nitpick each one. For example, number one – I’m not snacking as much because of the exercise. Number two – I’m napping after lunch because I’m forced to, my brain just shuts down etc etc. But, why should I do this? It took me 40 years to get this ill, so why should I expect to heal overnight?
I suppose the worry is that I’ve got lots of unconnected improvements that don’t add up to something much bigger, which is a 100% recovery. And, deep down maybe it’s all about fear, fear of dying too young, without having realized a bunch of dreams and some mission or other…